Maybe you ever heard before that I never believe in a word called bestfriend.
I do believe I have some goodfriends, but bestfriend, I know I never had.
It starts when I was in JHS, 7th grade, when I started having a good friend-relationship with a friend. We were chairmates, we almost shared everything we had. Laugh, tears, homeworks, and everything beyond. I knew at that point, she's the one that I trusted.
But suddenly, someday, when I was not at home, she rang me. She said I was a bitch,
literally, at school, naughty, rebel, and such a bad girl. I was living with my grandma, so my grandma was the one who took the phone. Thanks God my grandma knew me well, grandma just asked "Ini siapa ya?" and she answered "Temennya di sekolah." then started talking bullshits, again.
Grandma asked me whether I had 'enemy' or not I said no. Then Mom said I had to be careful with people, it seemed I made friend with wrong person, or maybe someone envied me, blablablabla.
The other day, in a flag ceremony, suddenly she asked me. "Kemaren ada yang nelpon aneh gak?" -- "Hmm kenapa emang?" I didnt want to be the one who told that. --"Itu saya. Hahaha." she laughed, santai kayak di pantai, ngakak, gak merasa berdosa. "Kemaren lagi gak ada kerjaan. Bercanda loh, maap yak." then she walked away with some boys, she was not really sorry. I was shocked. Ngatain temen lo bitch di depan neneknya adalah tindakan lucu karena kurang kerjaan? I was disapointed. And you know what? couple days later she's the one who got angry with me, left me sat alone, don't wanna talk anymore, with no reasons. Fuck. Friend told me she's angry because of math homework. Whatever. All I knew it's time to have another friends.
There, I was still in JHS, 8th grade. I made friends with some girls. We were good. We love to hangout together, share story, laugh, and (almost) everything. We were like more than 10 girls, and maybe you could expect, the
friendship was broken because of boy. Some of girls (NOT me, of course) liked the same boy(s). Then, (I know this is so cliche) they had catfight--or we usually called it--labrak--lalu berujung musuhan.
I couldn't choose over them. Mereka semua teman saya, dan masalah yang membuat mereka
marahan itu terlalu kekanak-kanakan untuk membuat saya menentukan mana yang benar mana yang salah. The boy was only their crush, not even a boyfriend.
Beberapa dari mereka bilang, "Makasih ya La, kamu netral. Gak milih siapa-siapa." Fuck it. Yang mereka pikir cuma siapa-dukung-siapa, bukan perasaan saya sebagai orang yang masih menghargai pertemanan itu. Kuping saya sudah cukup panas untuk selalu mendengar masing-masing menjelekkan yang lain seolah ingin menarik saya ke salah satu dari mereka. I was stressed, because as you might know, girls fight more mentally than boys do. Dan berada diantara itu, sangat amat tidak nyaman.
You wanna know what happened with the boy?
Jadian dengan cewek lain, mengacuhkan teman-teman saya, tanpa tahu dirinya penyebab rusaknya pertemanan kita.
I promised when I was in highschool, I was enough with the 'girls geng'. I made friends with anyone, had few goodfriends, and felt happy. Not until I knew that
life is still hard. Rupanya, anak-anak di SMA ini gemar sekali menjatuhkan satu sama lain demi nilai. What word I wanna write after this? Yes, Fuck. Fuck it.
And the most I hate aboout my highschool friends is, they keep trying want me to back with my (almost) psycho ex-boyfriend. I don't like the way they tease me, it's just not funny at all. They don't wanna hear about my currently crush, they just want to know about this ex. I actually am afraid of this ex, he (still) keeps terroring me and my mother, AS IF my mom will force me to comeback with him. I tell ya, I HAD put my past in the past, not in the future. WOULD YOU JUST MOVE ON, PLEASE?! And don't disturb my life and my mother. AND TANGERINE IS NOT YOU. berani-beraninya ngesok message gue berasa tangerine. FUCK. (maap ngamuk)
Dan yang terakhir ini, entah mengapa, jadi yang paling sakit bagi saya.
Saya mulai mencoba membuka diri untuk kembali percaya dengan konsep 'persahabatan'. She was kind of person you trusted to give her your first novel draft--that you imagine to write it since couple years ago. She was the first person you asked to go to the bookstore (bookstore is my favorite place ever, Kinokuniya PS is such a paradise for me). She was the first person you wanted to tell about a great movie you just watched. She was the person you always talked everynight and told everything. But then, she acted like a shit. I can't say she acted like bitch, no, just shit. Shitty shit. Fucking shitty shit.
Since then, I lost my ability in believing people. I even can't do what people (usually) easy to do,
curhat. I never be able to tell somebody/people what I really feel/think. What you see/hear is just what I want to share, actually. Not I really feel.
Yes, I got thraumatic and these causes made me being a close person. Maybe you see me as a open one, laugh easily, being insane or whatever, but it's just one of my
kind of personality. There always something I hide. But with journal/blog, I easily write it out. I don't know why, writing always helps me.
I also become a careless person. I'm not a curious one, I don't care with your secret, I just don't wanna know if you don't wanna tell me. But then, I'm a good secret keeper, because I think, "why do other people need to care about another one? why do I have to tell people about that? like they care."
Maybe I'm not kind of bestfriend you've been searching for.
But still, I'm such a goodfriend. Trust me (it works. LOL).
